The future has always been a concept that terrifies me. Even though it’s a reality for all of us, I hate not knowing what’s going to happen. I hate being afraid that the future isn’t going to be what I envision, isn’t going to work out. This creates a great deal of anxiety for me, and that was anxiety that I felt when I graduated from high school. I was terrified of leaving an environment with which I was comfortable and entering one with which I was not, and my freshman year of college was not very enjoyable; I made mistakes, and I made decisions of which, to this day, I am ashamed, and I can only imagine that it was because, emotionally, I was not ready for college. That’s not to say that I wish that I would have waited a year or two – definitely not; the only way that I could be ready was to experience it, which is ultimately why I’m glad that I did make mistakes. Still, though, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of dread that I’m going to make more, that I’m not ready for the “real world” and what dangers that it has to offer, the worst of them probably being uncertainty.
Luckily, I’m armed with something that I didn’t have four years ago; I’m armed with love. Four years ago, something that really beat me down was the thought that I was meant to be alone and that that was how I was destined to spend the rest of my life. I know; it was kind of ridiculous, but at the time, that’s what I believed, and if I hadn’t found my boyfriend Ray, I very likely would still feel that way. As a teenager, I didn’t really experience a real connection with another person like most teenagers do. Every time that I went to a prom or a ball, I went with a friend; I never knew what a real date was, a real romantic experience. Now, I do, and that very strong connection gives me faith that I didn’t have before.
Yesterday, I graduated, and it felt so strange. I knew that I was supposed to be overcome by an immense amount of bittersweet feelings – happiness because I have gotten through the last bloody and sweaty four years and sadness because I was leaving Oswego behind, a very special place to me that will always have a place in my heart, but I just felt embarrassed because I had lost my tassel. I looked around me for others that weren’t wearing one, but I didn’t see anyone, and I felt so embarrassed. Even now that it’s over, the fact that I graduated from college with an undergraduate degree hasn’t sunk in yet.
I’m now pursuing a really great, ideal job and hope that I get it. I could finally be looking at enough money to buy a car, which would really feel like a major step forward. I don’t even have my license because I’ve never had the support system that I would have needed, and I’ve never had the finances to afford a car. That may finally be a reality, but of course, it’s dependent upon whether or not I get the job. From experience, I don’t seem to interview well; I applied to be a DA on campus three times, was interviewed each time, and each time, I was rejected. I try to be positive, though. and I try to look toward the future as promise. My goal is to have a car by the end of the summer, so by August, and to then have an apartment with my boyfriend by January. On June 9th, I take two teacher certification tests, which is going to be really rough. They are in Syracuse, and the first is at 7:45 a.m. while the second is at 1:00 p.m. Then, I have another on July 14th. I am not good at taking tests; I never have been, so I’m nervous, but hopefully, I’ll be fine. I will definitely make an effort to write as often as I can throughout the summer.